Shaping his will

If I had one wish for the year 2011, my wish will be that I learn to be a better parent this year.

The boy is growing up too fast; talking back a little more often these days and starting to challenge the rules at home. I hardly use the cane these days, but will revoke his priviledges whenever he crosses his boundaries. Getting him to sit and face the door will not work these days, as he has recently confessed to me, "Why don't you make me face the door? I like it."

Every other parent around me seem to be the lucky ones with compliant children, at least it feels that way, when I am worn out at the end of the week after battling with the boy during every meal/nap/bedtime. I have asked the question before, "Why is it that parenting my child always seem so difficult?" The answer I got from another mom was, "God gave you a child like that because He knew that you will be able to manage it with His strength."

Some wise words that I have read from Dr James Dobson;

"Ultimately, the key to competent parenthood is in being able to get behind the eyes of your child, seeing what he sees and feeling what he feels. When he is lonely, he needs your company. When he is defiant, he needs your help in controlling his impulses. When he is afraid, he needs the security of your embrace. When he is curious, he needs your patient instruction. When he is happy, he needs to share his laughter and joy with those he loves. Thus, the parent who intuitively comprehends his child's feelings is in a position to respond appropriately and meet the needs that are apparent. And at this point, raising healthy children becomes a highly developed art, requiring the greatest wisdom, patience, devotion and love that God has given to us."

Indeed, raising a child requires the greatest wisdom, patience and love that God has given us. Parenting often can be contest of wills, however I will not want to break his will or his spirit, but to shape it. Nonetheless, I still stick to my beliefs that controlled spanking does not break the spirit, especially when it addresses defiant behaviour, and often that is the most effective way when the boy has decided that a specific loss of priviledge is no major loss and he can live with it for the time being :( 

One way I believe to prevent heartbreaks as he grows older is to start shaping his will, especially spiritually. Children are not 'a blank slate' as proposed by the philosopher John Locke, who theorised that children only acquire knowledge at birth, in other words, with no specific temperaments, traits or characteristics. Which is generally a denial of human nature. So I try not to put all blame on genetic pool when it comes to his strong-willed and rebellious nature.

The issue of shaping my child's will have been a topic that has been very close to my heart. I don't think that any Christian parent should depend fully on the school (even if he attends a christian kindergarten) or the church (through Sunday School) to guide their child spiritually. Especially so, if wilful rebellion has dire eternal consequences. If my relationship and dependence on my Creator and Saviour is a major focus in my life, then it should be the same for my child.

Sure atheists will argue that I should be allowing my child choice of religion, but coming from people who have not experienced Christianity,  they will never discover that this is a relationship and not a religion. A relationship that gives you freedom from the bondage of life, world's expectations, an absolute assurance that my Saviour will carry me through life's storms and provide a triumphant life living through Him. No matter how bad things seem around us, He promises never to leave or forsake me, and that can be trusted fully with His track record in my life. And I live with the confidence to know where I will be after my journey in this life ends.

Why do I want to leave my child to be wondering how to manage this tiresome and complicated journey of life when the answer is crystal clear for me? My parenting goal this year is to focus on shaping my child's will to be aligned with God's will, as there's really nothing to lose but plenty to gain to depend on our Saviour who knows all the intimate details of our lives. And most likely knows us better than we know ourselves.

'Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.' – Luke 12:7

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  1. Your article especially the quote by Dr Dobson really resonates with me. I sometimes wonder why my daughter is so rebellious and strong willed, as in whether my actions have shaped her and I will feel guilty if my lack of patience and strong belief in appropriate punishment (time out, spanking etc) has made her even more stubborn and hard willed. However I get very frustrated on why she acts this way despite efforts to teach her. I do agree though that I need to look at things from her 3 year perspective. Maybe my sense of “guidance and control” is not what she needs but more understanding of her fears…

  2. I believe your son cannot be compared to my eldest. Ha ha! I always go crazy managing him and now my daughter is picking up all the bad habits from him.

    But I always remember one of my church mate telling me that I needed patience. That is why God gave me a difficult kid to train me to be patient. :-)

  3. hi! i came across ur blog from myplayskool. and am very encouraged by tis post, esp the quote from Dr James Dobson. thanks for sharing. read thru some of ur posts in the blog & found many similar views / beliefs to mine, so really appreciate the insight from u.

    Hi Rebecca, thanks for dropping by :) Glad to hear that you are a fellow mom who share my views…will also drop by your blog soon.