Hb and I have finally come to a decision that we will stop at one. For the past two years, we have been toying with the idea that it will be nice to have a second child. I procrastinated when Kyle turned 1, then 2, 3 and when he finally turned 4, we started facing some major challenges on our home front, thus decided that it is best that we continue to do our best as parents of one child and not try to stretch our resources (time, attention and financial) by having another one.

Maybe it is a tinge of self-centredness on our end to have motivated this decision. No doubt that the both of us love kids, But somehow the thought of having another and then taking the time and effort to bring up another is a daunting thought for us. We are probably a couple that think too much, I suppose. 

I am enjoying the freedom that comes along with having one child a little much at this point, that I am not willing to give it up. I appreciate the time I now have to pursue other interests. Besides, I am convinced that I make a better parent of one than a parent of two or more.

Who knows…if this little one becomes less adorable when he grows, we might suddenly craved to be parents of another bundle of joy. Who knows really? We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

If I had one wish for the year 2011, my wish will be that I learn to be a better parent this year.

The boy is growing up too fast; talking back a little more often these days and starting to challenge the rules at home. I hardly use the cane these days, but will revoke his priviledges whenever he crosses his boundaries. Getting him to sit and face the door will not work these days, as he has recently confessed to me, "Why don't you make me face the door? I like it."

Every other parent around me seem to be the lucky ones with compliant children, at least it feels that way, when I am worn out at the end of the week after battling with the boy during every meal/nap/bedtime. I have asked the question before, "Why is it that parenting my child always seem so difficult?" The answer I got from another mom was, "God gave you a child like that because He knew that you will be able to manage it with His strength."

Some wise words that I have read from Dr James Dobson;

"Ultimately, the key to competent parenthood is in being able to get behind the eyes of your child, seeing what he sees and feeling what he feels. When he is lonely, he needs your company. When he is defiant, he needs your help in controlling his impulses. When he is afraid, he needs the security of your embrace. When he is curious, he needs your patient instruction. When he is happy, he needs to share his laughter and joy with those he loves. Thus, the parent who intuitively comprehends his child's feelings is in a position to respond appropriately and meet the needs that are apparent. And at this point, raising healthy children becomes a highly developed art, requiring the greatest wisdom, patience, devotion and love that God has given to us."

Indeed, raising a child requires the greatest wisdom, patience and love that God has given us. Parenting often can be contest of wills, however I will not want to break his will or his spirit, but to shape it. Nonetheless, I still stick to my beliefs that controlled spanking does not break the spirit, especially when it addresses defiant behaviour, and often that is the most effective way when the boy has decided that a specific loss of priviledge is no major loss and he can live with it for the time being  

One way I believe to prevent heartbreaks as he grows older is to start shaping his will, especially spiritually. Children are not 'a blank slate' as proposed by the philosopher John Locke, who theorised that children only acquire knowledge at birth, in other words, with no specific temperaments, traits or characteristics. Which is generally a denial of human nature. So I try not to put all blame on genetic pool when it comes to his strong-willed and rebellious nature.

The issue of shaping my child's will have been a topic that has been very close to my heart. I don't think that any Christian parent should depend fully on the school (even if he attends a christian kindergarten) or the church (through Sunday School) to guide their child spiritually. Especially so, if wilful rebellion has dire eternal consequences. If my relationship and dependence on my Creator and Saviour is a major focus in my life, then it should be the same for my child.

Sure atheists will argue that I should be allowing my child choice of religion, but coming from people who have not experienced Christianity,  they will never discover that this is a relationship and not a religion. A relationship that gives you freedom from the bondage of life, world's expectations, an absolute assurance that my Saviour will carry me through life's storms and provide a triumphant life living through Him. No matter how bad things seem around us, He promises never to leave or forsake me, and that can be trusted fully with His track record in my life. And I live with the confidence to know where I will be after my journey in this life ends.

Why do I want to leave my child to be wondering how to manage this tiresome and complicated journey of life when the answer is crystal clear for me? My parenting goal this year is to focus on shaping my child's will to be aligned with God's will, as there's really nothing to lose but plenty to gain to depend on our Saviour who knows all the intimate details of our lives. And most likely knows us better than we know ourselves.

'Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.' – Luke 12:7

I am tired, tired of hearing about how 'kiasu' Singaporean parents are, and the extend that they go to ensure that they give their child a good headstart (or so they think).  Came across this article a few days on how parents 'queued overnight to get their tots on the 2013 waitlist of a popular Bukit Timah pre-school'.

2013…their tots are like barely a year old now and they are scrambling to secure a place for their child in a preschool. Putting this into perspective, when K was one, I was waiting for him to take his first steps, hear his first word, worrying about his meals (something which I am still doing) and wondering when will he ever reach the milestone of sleeping through the night.

I came across another article recently about 'Why Chinese Mothers are Superior', that highlighted some interesting attitudes among some Chinese parents. The majority believed that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Inversely, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun. There were other studies reflected in the article that "compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams."

The next half of the article about how a chinese parent will react when the child gets A- is absolutely horrifying. It might work for the compliant and obedient child, but try it on the strong willed one, who will have the tenacity to battle to the end, and see how it turns out. There is so much about this article that I have to disagree with, especially when there is no mention about the importance of values or consideration of the child's personality. How about natural ability? All children are wired differently, so no matter how much hard work, punishment, rewards, insults etc, will be able to work on some of them who simply do not have what it takes to reach a certain level of achievement.

How about parents with kids who are naturally intelligent and are able to reach high achievements at a young age? They are indeed blessed to have kids like that, but bystanders do need to stop taking their achievements as yardsticks for their own child's achievements, or think that their methods as excellent case studies to use for their own children. Pace of development, environmental influences, personality traits of the child, learning styles etc can vary greatly from child to child.

Sure, I agree that alot of children these days have gone 'soft', they give up too easily and do not have the resolve to finish a task when they are not able to succeed in it. Work ethics are also important, children need to be taught that work will not always be fun all the time and they still need to learn the responsibility to finish what they started. To have the desire to succeed for yourself (and not in comparison or competition to another) is of importance, but at what cost? And what about the process involved in reaching that destination?

Successful parenting is more than just producing children with high academic achievements or high achievers. It is teaching them to show compassion to others, loyalty and integrity, knowing how to deal with failure and have the resolve to pick themselves up and the tenacity to try again. And what matters more than achieving success in life is family and relationships, and knowing how to be content with life. Afterall, success according to the world's standards is always defined in material terms, and in the accumulation of wealth, there will always be something better, bigger, newer and nicer, the never-ending treadmill of going nowhere.

Phillipians 4:11-13.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.