Thoughts at 34

Birthdays these days aren't that fun anymore. Especially since I am getting nearer to the wrong side of thirty and closer to being middle age

But instead of dwelling on how old I am getting, I should be counting my blessings, there is so much to be thankful for.

Life have never been the same since the day I decided to leave my job in the corporate world 2.5 years ago and stay at home for dh and Kyle. The journey has not been an easy one so far, I had to first deal with my own insecurities of not being financial independent and the fear of being irrelevant to society. I remembered saying a little prayer that I drove out from my office carpark the last day of work, telling God that I will let go of the full control in my life and told Him to take over.

Just like the millions of people out there in the world, I spent the bulk of my life trying to get God to do things my way and I often wondered why things don't often go the way I want them to go. Then I could not understand why I was getting so frustrated being at work despite working in an exciting, well-paid job and being well-liked by my bosses. I often asked myself, why am I getting no joy or satisfaction from my job? And I wondered, what is my true calling in life?

I finally came to a point where I was worn out managing my own life, worrying about every single aspect and detail that I can possibly think of. Giving up control is a hard thing to do. Taking that step many years ago to be a Christian, God expects me to let Him be in control of all my decisions, but I was not willing to ever let go of the reigns of control. I did not want anyone telling me what to do with my life, even when He is my Creator and Saviour. Jesus understands my reluctance to let God take control. I now understand when he said, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." (Luke 9:24).

To most, it sounds extremely pathetic to come to the end of oneself and decide to give up control. Society place a high value of being independent, but seriously I think independence is overrated. The ephiphany that I realised from this was what may seem to be a loser's solution or a problem turned out to be my life's greatest opportunity.

How wrong can this decision be when I am giving Him total control of my life? He is all-seeing, all-knowing and I am certain He is one that has and will never make any mistakes. He knows my thoughts, what I want, what I need, he knows my weaknesses. He already knows the solution and outcome to everything.  

Since the day I made the choice to let God take over, things have miraculously worked out. Sure, I made stupid decisions along the way, went through plenty of rough spots, but somehow everything seemed to have worked out really well. Life just seemed to have turned around the moment He took over, and I cannot explain the unspeakable joy that fills my heart knowing and trusting that He is fully in charge of my life. How bad can it be? I don't need to fret about all the details, stay awake at night worrying about the outcome and I never need to be in doubt of my final destination.

34 is probably one of the best year in my life, but I know I ain't seen nothing yet!

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