Category Archives: Parenting

Parenting Success is Heart Work!

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What does success look like to you as a parent?

Does your definition of successful parenting look anything like Amy Chua’s “Tiger Mom” approach? Her approach relies on a tight control of her child’s time and demand more from her child to ensure success (in her case, it meant academic and musical success). There have been plenty of write-ups criticizing her approach and there have been plenty of back and forth on the benefits of the relaxed or laissez-faire parenting, vs the Tiger Mom’s strict and demanding approach.

In our culture, most parents measure success a certain way, such as, in the hope that our children grow up to have a good job, nice comfortable house and have enough to enjoy family vacations annually.

So what does successful parenting looks like in my world?

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For sure, a child’s achievement is good to attain for a successful parent. Nonetheless, no matter how successful my child is in terms of academic achievement, sports, art or music, it will matter little, if as a parent, I fail to set his moral compass for life. I think good character is a best measure of my child’s success than all the other successes add together.

 

Character Development is Heart work!

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A child’s character doesn’t just happens when they become a teenager. I have heard from many parents (from my parents generation) that these things can wait till a child grows older. Character development can’t wait, as character traits are learnt from the experiences a child has in life and from observing people around them, especially their parents. So parents are the best model in shaping their child’s character.

To shape a child’s character, I believe it is important to get to the heart of the issue. To mold a character or address undesirable elements of character, I have to address the heart of my child.

I start at the beginning with God. I teach my child to to love God, who is his creator that made him, knows him inside out and loves him. His accountability to God becomes his internal compass on what is right and wrong. Even when no one knows or sees what he does, God sees it all.

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What are the character traits that I want to instill in my child?

  • Put Family First
  • Work hard and persevere
  • Manners
  • Courage
  • Loyalty and Dependability
  • Kindness and Compassion
  • Self Discipline
  • Self Control
  • Honesty and Honor
  • Trustworthiness

How to start character training? Start when you child can understand the consequences of their actions and focus on transforming your child’s heart. Work at developing a close bond with your child, as I am certain that constant encouragement will help to build your child’s character. Do try to spend less effort on punishing undesired behavior, and more time and effort on reinforcing desired behavior, something that I need to be reminded to do more of!

 

Need resources or help on Character Development? Here are some useful sites :

- Character Notes

- Character Training

- Teaching Values

 

Christian Books on Character Development :

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God’s Wisdom for Little Boys : Character-Building Fun from Proverbs by Jim and Elizabeth George

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God’s Wisdom for Litle Girls : Virtues and Fun from Proverbs 31 by  Elizabeth George

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Child’s Book of Character Building: Growing Up in God’s World – At Home, at School, at Play Book 1 by Ron Coriell (I got my copy from SKS Bookstore)

 

So what does successful parenting look like for you as a parent?


Follow our series of blog hops on Character Development and look out for these posts lined up in these blogs :

12 Feb 2013 – Sarah of http://www.theplayfulparents.com/

19 Feb 2013 – Elisa of http://www.loveourchildrennow.sg/

26 Feb 2013 – Sharon of http://www.oaktreebaby.com/

5th Mar 2013 – Jean of http://jeanstitch.wordpress.com/

 

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Project BraveHeart and Steel Magnolias

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Braveheart probably reminds you these lines, if you have watched the movie…

“Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!”

or maybe even this especially if you are mom born in the late 70s or 80s…

Carebear Braveheart Lion the self-appointed leader of CareBear Cousins

How about ‘Steel Magnolias’ then? The term actually refers to a Southern woman who is strong and independent, yet very feminine. A Hollywood movie was also created using the same description. With this new series of bloghops that I will be hosting, ‘Project BraveHeart and Steel Magnolias’, it is really not about movies or care bears. I will be ‘adopting’ these terms for a series on how Christian moms nurture our children in the areas of Character Development.

 

Do look out for these posts are lined up in these blogs : 5 Feb 2013 – Blogging here at catch-fortywinks.com 12 Feb 2013 – Sarah of http://www.theplayfulparents.com/ 19 Feb 2013 – Elisa of http://www.loveourchildrennow.sg/ 26 Feb 2013 – Sharon of http://www.oaktreebaby.com/ 5th Mar 2013 – Jean of http://jeanstitch.wordpress.com/

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When to tell the teacher and when not to

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Starting a new school usually means changes in routines, new friends and teachers. Frankly I dread having to start the whole process again, since we have just changed K from a Kindy to a Childchild in Jul 2012. We are moving (again!) to a new/temporary home, and the poor boy needs to make the adjustments as a result of our nomadic lives.

When K first started out school in his childcare last year, he complained about being bullied in school. My first reaction to that was, “Whose son is so ill behaved? How can he be bullying my son. I have to speak to his teacher!” Until I found out that the bully in school is a girl named M. I probe further and I realized that she has been only pinching him, and when he complains to the teacher, she continues pinching him.

So my response to him was; I am not going to address this with the teacher. He has to learn to stand up for himself, and tell the girl in a loud and firm voice to stop. And if all else fails and a fight breaks out, all the better. Maybe the sting of the bite/scratch/slap might be a painful for that moment, but it will be a good lesson for both kids.

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So I am not the best at managing conflict resolution.

But I have learnt that in certain incidences when it comes to solving problems, a child needs to learn how to manage it himself. I am not going to be everywhere with him 24/7. School is probably one of the best place for a child to experience real life situations to learn how to manage social interactions. A child needs to understand that there will always be some who will not like you very much, and others whom you will find hard to get along with.

It is going to be the same, when he goes to primary/secondary school and eventually when he starts work as an adult. When can we ever choose to work with the people whom we like and we want to work with? Only few are blessed with that.

So for this instance, I kept my mouth shut and did not mention any of this to the teacher. Well, she will just have some explaining to do when he comes home with a black eye, scratch or bite.

I did, however told the teacher when he was back to school with his new glasses to help him ease into the changes and to requested that she shares with his classmates why he had to wear glasses. I figured that this would prevent endless questions from his little friends about why is he wearing glasses and to prevent hurtful statements from some not so polite ones, “I think you look stupid/ugly in spectacles.” We get children like that in schools every once in a while, and you wonder how much time their parent spend time talking to them about not saying such hurtful things. Of course we did rehearse some of the answers to prepare him if he encounter questions like that from other kids.

So how do you determine when you should tell your child’s teacher and when to bite your tongue? This is a valid consideration for most moms especially when you are starting your child in a new school.

I think the more serious the issue, the more the teacher need to be briefed about it. So if it concerns the child safety, learning problems or difficulty or emotional issues, by all means talk to the teacher about it. But if your child is left handled, have certain seating/food preferences, do consider letting your child speak for himself and maybe it could be time for the parent to take a back seat.

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Your child might even respond quite differently in the school environment. For instance, K detests porridge to the core and I can never get him to ever swallow a spoon of it at home. But he has no issue finishing the whole bowl of chicken porridge at lunch in school, as he knows that chicken porridge will be the only selection for the day. He has learnt that he needs to finish the food in school, or go hungry.

Good advice that I have once heard, “It is not a problem, unless you make it into a problem.” Some of us do over-analyze issues, and the micro-manager and control freak mom in us will want everything to fall perfectly in place. But at what expense? Potentially at the expense of not having your child learn how to speak up for himself.

When will you tell the teacher and when will you keep you mouth shut? Do share your experience!

 

 

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Have you done your Best?

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LSconct 1The King Ant at his K1 Speech and Drama performance in Nov 2012

1 month before the performance, I asked him if he could remember his lines. He recited them for me without referring to the handouts and was so confident that he could remember.

A week before the performance, I asked him again. And he told me that it was easy and he would have no problems.

He was ready, or so I thought.

Watch the video (excuse the shakiness :P ) and see how his performance turned out. K is the tallest one in the group of yellow ‘ants’, who was wearing a gold ‘bib’.

Looked like he was being particular about where the mic was placed and did not want to say his lines until the mic was leveled to his face, isn’t it?

His performance was far from perfect and it did generate some laughs from the audience along the way. Hb and I were disappointed when we finally received the DVD recently, and realized that the videographer edited the capture and it became a boring, almost perfect sketch in the video. Regardless of the result of the performance, it was a memorable experience for hb and I. While K on the other hand, thought that that his performance must have been quite a disappointment for us to watch.

He was really moody after the performance (photo taken above), right after the concert ended. He didn’t tell us why until we got home that night. Just before bedtime that same evening, he admitted that he actually forgot his lines, and he told me that he would not want to watch the video as his performance was horrible.

Our conversation that evening;

Mom :   “Do you think you tried your best that night?”

K      :     “I don’t think I tried my best. I did not practice my lines properly.”

Mom :   “You know that you didn’t put in your best effort, and why it didn’t turn out well. We are not disappointed in your performance on stage. It’s normal to make mistakes. We just want to make sure that you understand that you need to take the initiative to practice your lines. It is only when you know you tried your best, and if you still made some mistakes at your performance, you can be satisfied that you have gave your best. That’s all that matters. .”

**———————————————————————————–**

Hb and I have already discovered a while back that K has issues with his self-motivation and initiative. We are using opportunities like these for him to experience failure and disappointment, so as to learn the importance of having initiative and be driven by his self-motivation.

Charlotte Mason has put it so aptly in her quote that there is a downside when children are nurtured to be overly dependent on external motivation and rewards.

‘Children must Stand or Fall by their own Efforts.––In another way, more within our present control, we do not let children alone enough in their work. We prod them continually and do not let them stand or fall by their own efforts. One of the features, and one of the disastrous features, of modern society, is that, in our laziness, we depend upon prodders and encourage a vast system of prodding. We are prodded to our social duties, to our charitable duties, and to our religious duties. If we pay a subscription to a charity, we expect the secretary to prod us when it becomes due. If we attend a meeting, do we often do so of our own spontaneous will, or because somebody asks us to go and reminds us half a dozen times of the day and the hour? Perhaps it is a result of the hurry of the age that there is a curious division of labour, and society falls into those who prod and those who are prodded. Not that anybody prods in all directions, nor that anybody else offers himself entirely as a pincushion. It is more true, perhaps, to say that we all prod, and that we are all prodded. Now, an occasional prick is stimulating and wholesome, but the vis inertiae of human nature is such that we would rather lean up against a wall of spikes than not lean at all. What we must guard against in the training of children is the danger of their getting into the habit of being prodded to every duty and every effort. Our whole system of school policy is largely a system of prods. Marks, prizes, exhibitions, are all prods; and a system of prodding is apt to obscure the meaning of must and ought for the boy or girl who gets into the habit of mental and moral lolling up against his prods.’ – Charlotte Mason Chapter 4, Volume 3

 

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Common Sense and Common Courtesy are not too Common

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Taking public transportation can provide some fodder for observation into human behavior.

A couple of weeks back, I took the public bus and sat in the middle of the last row of seats. Teenage guy from NJC pressed bell, I stood up and let him step out of the seat. He refused to get out of the seat, craned his neck to look out for his bus-stop, waiting for the perfect moment to leave his seat, like a second before the bus stopped.

While I was stood there, hanging on to the pole for dear life as the maniacal bus driver drove frantically towards the next bus stop. I desperately clung on, waiting for the youth to leave his seat. As he walked passed me, I had to restrain myself from whacking his head with my handbag.

What’s wrong with some of these youths? Are they so overwhelmed by the academic demands in their scholarly life that they don’t know how to be embarrassed or show some consideration for the people around them? Have some parent’s obsessions with their academic performance caused them to neglect teaching their children basic courtesy and be sensitive to their surroundings?

My other pet peeves with youths, include those who walk right into little kids. I have reminded K each time when we are a mall, to look out for those ‘young people’ around Uncle Nick’s age (my brother’s age, the 16 – 21 year olds. I apologised for the stereotype, if you are in this age group and reading this!). To always be alert and make sure he does not walk into their path. Or move away from their path if he sees them walking towards him, if not risk getting knocked over.

 

Do the ‘Hide and Seek’

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How am I training my son to be alert and aware of his surroundings? Hb and I do the ‘Hide and Seek’ very often in public places. When K is occupied looking at toys and things that interest him, Hb and I duck and hide behind a wall, or deliberately walk away from him. SOP for him is to come looking for us calmly and then asking nicely that he wants us to stand next to him while he looks at his stuff.

The first ‘Hide and Seek’ was attempted was he was 4, quite a painful one for the boy to learn. We were at a Toy shop and hb and I did our ‘running away’. When the boy looked up, he could not see us in his usual line of sight, and he ended up frantically looking for us, while we were watching him from behind toy shelves. He was upset by this incident, but he has since learnt that he needs to be alert each time he is in a public place.

We still do the ‘Hide and Seek’ when we are out in malls and the boy makes the point to look up for us while looking at his things, and is quick to catch up with us when he sees us walking away. So we have trained him to be quite alert for a 5 year old.

Crazy cruel parents, maybe. Stressful being my kid, very likely. But I think this is so necessary for a child to know, albeit learning the hard way.

 

Courtesy is for You and Me

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What other common courtesies I have taught him to practice often?

Make eye contact with people when they talk to you, respond when you are spoken to, and for goodness sake, always spare a thought for others, and not just yourself. Be considerate. And most of all don’t forget the magic words, ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’. And you really don’t need to be reminded to greet elders, or your friends’ parents.

He hasn’t quite mastered all these common courtesies and will need reminders from time to time, but these things rank really high on my important-things-to-teach-my-child list.

As for those who need a crash course in learning common courtesies, I think we desperately need to bring back SINGA the Lion for the young ones (but please do something about his outfit!).

Singa

And how about a Korean-eques looking male/female dreamboat with doe eyes, who sings and dances fabulously and will always mind her ‘P’s and Q’s’ for the youths? Could be useful as a reminder for the parents who have forgotten about teaching these courtesies to their kids. Whatever works.

 

Linking up with

SANses.com's Talkative Thursdays

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How to choose a Pediatric Opthamologist for your child?

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My experience with 2 Pediatric Opthamologists recently with K’s eye condition have shown me that not all Opthamologists are equal. By this statement, I am not referring to their qualifications.

M was the first opthamologist that I found on the internet, highly recommended by people I don’t know. While F was the second opthamologist that  I also found on the internet, which was recommended by a friend J. Her recommendation came very timely when hb and I were confused and unsure of M’s diagnosis of K’s condition. (Thanks J for sharing your experience and recommendation, it was truly God-sent!)

So here’s what I learnt from our experience thus far :

 

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  • When to consult an optomologist?

- When your child’s left/right eye is rolling into a squint uncontrollably and he/she is complaining of blurred vision (which was what happened to K the evening before we saw M)

- When you notice that your child may be turning his head to the left or right, instead of facing his face front when watching TV, drawing or reading

- Frequent rubbing of eyes and squinting

- A child who used to be a premature or low weight baby

- If your child is below 6 years of age. Eye conditions can be hard to determine by an optician, especially if the problem is beyond short-sightedness.

 

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  • Don’t trust what forums say (Especially when it is an Expat forum, and you are not an Expat)

I settled on M after I did a search online and ended up on an Expat forum, Incidentally F was also mentioned in the same forum, but in my anxiousness decided on M. When I found the clinic’s details online, I assumed that it must be good, after looking through the specialist doctor’s qualifications, experience and the location of the clinic. This decision was influenced by my experience with a very competent dermatologist in the same building.

Incidentally, M’s name is also recommended in a local motherhood forum with a thread discussion about some moms with kids with eye conditions.

So regardless of the type of forum, don’t trust what you read in forums. Make sure you do your necessary research and go with your instinct.

 

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  • Be cautious when the premises are too big

The first thing that striked me when I first entered M’s clinic was how big it was, there were 4 testing rooms, 1 big consultation room equivalent to the size of 2 regular bedrooms in a HDB flat floors of seating areas, a display area of frames that was for sale (which I noticed hardly anyone bought frames from M’s clinic, despite spending a combined 7 hours sitting in the clinic for 2 visits).

M’s clinic has an area that has rather decent toys, complete with Lego and a pretend kitchen, good for entertaining kids for some time. But with an average of 3-4 hour wait, kids will eventually get bored with the toys.

F’s clinic on the other hand, is a modest 50% the size of M’s clinic, which is in dire need of new toys for the kids. However  F’s clinic gets extra points from me for having the latest copies of Natural Geographic for the parents.

So I digress too much.

Back to the point. M’s clinic is located in a medical centre of a mall, while F’s clinic is in a medical centre of a hospital. This difference in size and location could likely explain the difference of the cost of consultation fees. M’s consultation fees was at $200 vs F’s fees at $80, so I felt quite ripped off by our visits to M’s clinic.

Do be prepared to fork out more for consultation fees, if the doctor is located in a central shopping mall (an atas one at that) and have a huge premise.

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  • Higher priced does not mean that it is superior

Most people might have the impression that a more expensive doctor will mean that his/her expertise might be better than another which might be priced slightly lower. My experience with the 2 Opthamologists have shown that a higher price ≠ superior service.

A higher price might mean higher overheads, more expensive equipment or simply a more business minded doctor. The more business minded a doctor could also mean that he/she will take less effort and care with each patient he/she comes into contact with.

 

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  • Be even more cautious when the doctor will not do any tests

M’s clinic was bustling with patients and he had almost 7 more Optometrists and Opthalmic Technicians working with him in the clinic. However, M solely depended on the tests done by his staff in the clinic and did not conduct any additional tests himself. His diagnosis was given based on the results of the tests done by his Optometrists.

While F had 2 Optometrists and K underwent 2 repeated set of tests with F’s Optometrist in our visit to her clinic. F conducted a separate set of eye tests for K in her consultation room, then demonstrated and explained how the treatment will work to address his eye condition.

Having the doctor ascertain his eye condition with her own tests gave us the confidence we needed in her diagnosis. Read here for a more detailed account of our experience with both Opthamologists.

 

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  • Always seek a second opinion

Despite ending up with the same diagnosis and treatment from 2 different doctors, hb and I were able to understand alot more about K’s eye condition from two different perspectives. Would it have been possible to have saved the money spent on our visits to M? Probably not.

Specialists or doctors are not created equal. The care and effort that they take for their patients will make the difference. And when it comes to our children’s health and well-being, I rather err on the side of being overly cautious.

 

Do you seek a second opinion when consulting specialists for yourself or for your child? Or do you go with the treatment that is given by that one doctor whom you consult?

 

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The Entitlement Mentality can start at 5

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Most of our children these days have things served on a platter to them. Enrichment classes like sports, swimming, art, music, dance which were major bonuses to have when I was growing up, has become a must-have for most children. I would not even go into the area of things, as I know most kids I know (including my own child) have too many toys and clothes.

Entitlement mentality can start really young with children these days. It may not be as defined as, “My parent’s owe this to me as they brought me into the world, what I have is what I deserve and it is mine”. But there are many signs of child taking these privileges for granted when they see their peers enjoying similar privileges.

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I have found out recently from K, that at 5, he already knows how to take some things for granted. He tends to treat his enrichment classes as a given, since most of his classmates have enrichment classes in school and are attending various classes on weekends.

It started with his Tennis lessons that he attends with Spex. He was enjoying the social interaction he was having with his friends in the class and he stopped paying attention to his coach. All it took was a short chat an afternoon before his class. We told him that we will stop the class immediately if he did not make the effort to pay attention and listen. It costs money for his grandparents sponsor his class so he needs to make an effort to learn, not just focus on having fun with his friends. Hb and I made him understand that these enrichment classes were not something we wanted him to do, but a privilege for him to attend as he enjoyed playing tennis.

Some parents might tell me to take it easy since it is just sports enrichment. But I need to teach my child about good work ethics, to be responsible and independent, to try his best at whatever he has been privileged to have. This also applies to things that he doesn’t like to do; helping around the house, cleaning up after play, etc. All these things needs to be done without having to whine or complain and he needs to make sure he does a good job at it.

If I don’t address this now, he will gradually become a teenager/young adult with the entitlement mentality. And I think teaching my child these things really cannot wait.

I hear this quite often from people from my parent’s generation, “He is still young, slowly teach him. When he reach a certain age, he will understand.” When children were ‘forced’ to help their parents make a living during the 50s – 60s. They could learn from real life experience that hard work is needed to bring home every cent, every bowl that the parent fills with rice.

There seems to be less learning opportunities for our children, simply because our world have changed. Children are being institutionalized in school at a tender age and are very sheltered. And since there also fewer children in most families, children are treated like little princes and princesses and are freely given most things that they want.

Can we raise privileged children without the entitlement mentality? Do share your thoughts here.


 

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A Mom’s Work-Life Balance is a Myth!

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Reading this from Susan of A Juggling Mom has inspired some thoughts for this post.

It’s been only a week since I started taking care of K and his needs 24/7, while having to manage house-moving, keeping up with deadlines for work, managing 2 blogs, ‘silently’ moderating SMB group on FB and trying to keep awake.

How do moms do it? To be honest, I have trouble keeping up with taking care of hb and I would collapse if I had to handle all the housework at home.

It is so common to read about successful working woman from parenting magazines and how they have managed to keep it all together, with their career, success and their family. Is that really possible? Can they really do it by themselves, or handle them all at once?

I think keeping up this balance causes the stress, anxiety, and guilt we carry as mothers.

In short, the working mom balance does not exist. It is all a myth.

It is like juggling a lot of balls at once, the mom ball, the housework ball, the educator ball, the entertainer ball, the ball that keeps everyone happy and contented at home, the wife ball, the work ball. It is not possible to juggle them all the time without some of them dropping at times. Some balls will bounce right back when you drop them, while other which are fragile, might break and you can’t put them back together.

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Came across this great quote recently; ’Wise mothers who know, are selective about their own activities and involvement to conserve their limited strength, in order to maximize their influence to where it matters most.’ – Julie Beck

Since becoming a mom, I struggle to accomplish everything I think should get done. But being a parent has taught me the ability to let go of perfection and focus on what is most important :

  • No matter what, my family comes first

I have recently turned down an opportunity to consider a full time marketing role in a corporation, despite the potential of a security of bringing home a good salary monthly. A 9 – 6pm job is not possible for a role like that, thus it will mean that it will be alot harder for me to set aside time for K and hb, and to continue what I am doing now.

Working from home now means that household income is greatly reduced, we may not have our own home for some time, but it means that I will have less stress and guilt when trying to juggling my roles as a mom and wife. So something needs to give.

  • Work towards never doing what my child can do for himself.

Just this month, I decided that K should be taken out of his 3 hours kindergarten and be enrolled in full day Montessori childcare from July. Initially, I felt a lot of guilt to have come to this decision, after all, I am a work at home mom and I should be able to take care of him in the afternoons. But I realised that K demands too much of my time when he is at home in the day. The past 1 week have proven to me that it is not possible for me to balance work at home in the afternoons, while taking care of him at the same time.

The bane with working from home is that there tends to be no specific working hours, I can be on my laptop up to 15 hours a day, any hour during the day.

So starting from July 2nd, from 6 pm in the weekday evenings, I will be making sure that I spend that few hours daily in the evening playing, learning or just doing things together with K.

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I am also a lot more proactive these days training K to be more independent, from brushing his teeth, taking his shower and cleaning up after himself. And I am certain being in childcare will help him to further develop his independence in self-help skills.

  • Do something nice for yourself each day.

Like how they say on the plane, in times of emergency, administer the oxygen to yourself first, then take care of the kids / other things.

For me it comes in preparing breakfast for myself every morning and spending that needed time reading and meditating on God’s word.

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Supermoms do exist, but it sure does not apply to me. Motherhood is one of the toughest job that I will ever have, but it is also the most rewarding. I think the best mom I can be, is to be a real mom who deals with plenty of life imperfections and handle the curve balls that are often thrown towards me.

So are a supermom or a real mom like me?

 

 

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Guest Post – Our Children next time how?

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This is the first guest post on my blog, and I have been hoping to get this person to break his silence on the blogosphere for some time.

It is none other than my dearest hubby, Keith. Keith has a knack for expressing situations alot better than I can, providing his personal insights.  As a couple, we share many similar views in bringing up children, here’s his take on education on bringing up Kyle.

“Now cannot study, next time drive taxi lor…” When these words escape our lips, they are often dismissed as a corny remark along with a spate of nervous laughter. That reaction, of course, is natural. Now, do not get the wrong idea, being a taxi driver is a perfectly honest way to make a living and I personally have 2 family members belonging to that profession. However, in the context of this post, which parent can claim to envision marshalling a taxi to be the eventually choice of making a living for their child?

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“Mummy ~ Daddy, I score the highest in class!” Now, that is a statement we mentally envision our child saying one day, perhaps in front of audience consisting of family, friends or both, where we will then have an opportunity to avoid exploding with pride and exercise our self-control while we put on a straight face and respond modestly, probably mumbling  something along the lines of keeping it up and not getting too complacent  along the way….

Now come the questions I want to table. What are our expectations for our child? How successful do we envision helping our child to be? How do we plan on executing that vision? My personal opinion is strongly tied-in with an examination of this society we co-exist in, children are constantly being pressured to perform against an academic counter.

In the course of their schooling career, character building, health focus and mental balance (amongst other things) often play second fiddle to academic achievement. That is very understandable, after all, is it not untrue that getting a place in the primary school near home is no longer adequate. It is no longer just getting a place in school but also it is excruciatingly crucial to land a spot in a branded highly ranked primary school to give your child the best start in life possible. (not even going to start on the recent trend of branded pre and prep schools)

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So,  does the success my wife and I envision for our son, Kyle, primarily involve only programming the ability to beat down the competition in school into him? It is of course the desire of this parent that I would prefer my child to be astute in all aspects of his life. Unfortunately, in reality, we humans, though top of our food chain, have our limitations too. Not everyone can be a genius, a savant or a MP…

As parents, we frequently ponder what we should emphasize more of, how we can teach and guide him more effectively to succeed in life. Should we consider tuition, home-schooling, etc? We worry about how Kyle will grow up to handle an increasingly challenging world out there? Will he be adequately equipped? Are we guiding him correctly? So many more questions arise.

We then realize that we need only look at our own day to day lives to find the answer. As we face our own challenges, some seemingly insurmountable, we find that as long as we trust in God, we can survive even the meanest of situations thrown at us. So as the teachers of our child, Rachel and I have a rather laid-back style of teaching Kyle, preferring more to encourage his knowledge and dependence on God.

So what if this non-academic approach backfires? Rachel and I often get opportunities to observe Kyle’s successes and failures.  There were times when we thanked God as he displayed intelligence, picking up pretty quickly on certain things, or the times when we exchange mortified looks as he struggled with basic homework (we have even discovered IQ tests being snuck in here and there). Unavoidably, we undoubtedly feel the apprehension that follows the realization that our child has his limitations in some areas.

However, compared to drilling Kyle academically, Rachel and I know that if we can instill in him trust God, he will then be much better equipped to manage difficult situations in his life down the road. As we concentrate on guiding his young walk with God, Rachel and I worry much less about how he stacks up against others in his age group but instead find joy in teaching him how to take his weaknesses and failures in his stride. Dependence on God and having a full spirit will counter any of the many bankruptcies life can throw at a person.

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As Kyle grows too quickly day by day not unlike a mutant mushroom on steroids, we are fully aware that he may not end up being the next big thing. He may even have to struggle with the various challenges that life throws at him like other average Joes. But I think with emphasis on our walk with God as a family, the 3 of us will be alright.

So sometimes when the kiasu side of us surfaces and Rachel asks me what we can do about his struggles with certain academic aspects, I look at her and say: “Now cannot study, next time drive taxi lor!”

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Great Expectations

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Do u have expectations of your child? Expectations to meet certain levels of development, or expectations of certain set behavior?

I think it is always good to boost your child’s confidence by telling them that you believe that they will be able to attain certain goals. Setting too low expectations may not be a good thing either, as we will find that our kids give up easily when the going gets tough.

Nonetheless, we often need to reflect if these goals are even attainable at their age or developmental levels.

Recently, at a mall’s craft area with Kyle, I overheard this conversation a mom had with her son.

 

Mom of boy : Why don’t you take this and try to make it?

Boy : It looks like it is for bigger boys.

Mom of boy : Let’s get it and you can try to make it while mummy go shopping

Boy : Mummy, it looks very difficult to make

Mom of boy : U can just look at the instructions to make it. 你可以的。

Boy : 真的不可以，很难. Mummy I really cannot do it, I am not so smart, you know.

Mom of boy : You can do it, 可以的. Mummy believe in you.

Then the mom took off and left the boy alone at the craft corner.

 

First impressions; the mom seemed like a supportive parent, encouraging her son to try making the craft. Then when I took a quick glance at what was on the table, I realised that he had one of those china-made styrofoam model planes with unlabeled parts. The boy look like he was barely 6 years old, and the activity that he was attempting did not seem to be developmentally appropriate for a 6 year old boy.

For the next 5 minutes, the boy sounded rather frustrated and repeated, “Cannot leh, not the right one….Auntie (the lady manning the craft corner), how to do, I don’t know how to put this…how like that…” While the lady at manning the craft corner kept telling him that she didn’t know how to fix it either and there was no sample for him to follow.

Kyle then completed his craft, walked up and passed it to the lady to pop the craft into the toaster for a quick dry. He stood near the table where the boy was seated, the boy looked at his craft and said, “Wow, robot. How do you do it, I want to do also.” Then he looked at the parts of styrofoam of the aeroplane on his table and told Kyle, “Ok, I compete with you to make this aeroplane, you dare or you don’t dare to compete with me!”

Kyle was rather taken back to have heard this response from the boy but he answered meekly,”Ok lah.”

 

Few conclusions after these observations;

  • The boy’s mom could have taken the time to explore the item with her son, instead of thinking that this craft corner will be a good child-minding place. She might have discovered that the model aeroplane kit was not developmentally appropriate for her child, and would have encountered his frustrated attempts to fix it together. Maybe she overlooked the level of difficulty in making the model aeroplane and then assume that if she can do it, her son will be able to as well.

  • His response to Kyle could likely give an indication that by daring him to compete, could reflect a sense of how difficult the activity that he was working on.

  • On a totally unrelated note, I don’t agree with leaving a 6 year old child in a craft area in the mall all by himself. Call me paranoid, after the recent hype about alleged kidnap attempts at our local malls, I can picture this baddie coming along with chloroform in a cloth to sedate the child, and then carry the child away without a struggle.

As parents, we need to careful not to set unrealistic expectations for our kids. Children need a level of achievement to strive for, so when success is attained, self esteem increases. However when the reverse happens, the child’s confidence might be undermined. Read this about self esteem in children.

All parents have hopes for their children. Hopes for our children to fulfill our expectations of success. Maybe even hopes that our child will be that first in the family to obtain a scholarship, be that first doctor, lawyer or national sportsman/woman.

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So do I agree with this quote? Not fully, as like most asian parents, I believe that communicating high expectations to children is one way we can encourage our children to have more confidence in their abilities, self-esteem, and set higher standards for themselves.

Nonetheless, having observe that from another mom and child, I am reminded that I tend to overlook my expectations of my child at times. There needs to be a balance; too much expectations can be a baggage, in some cases, even negative, as children may get the message that they are always not good enough.

Expectations should be a reflection of my child’s interest and abilities, and not of my own interests. It should never consist of the hopes that my child will be able to live out the dreams that I may have missed along the way.

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For more random thoughts on ‘Observation in Social Psychology’, refer to these posts; Playground Police Lessons from the playground

 

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